a JokeLand E-Mail
[{"sender": "jokeland@aol.com", "recipients": ["jokeland@aol.com"], "timestamp": "5/9/2015 7:17:32 PM", "subject": "a JokeLand E-Mail", "body": "A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker.\nHe says, \"How much?\"\nShe says \"A hundred bucks.\"\nHe says, \"All right.\"\nThey climb down under the boardwalk and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her a hundred and twenty dollars.\nShe says, \"What's the extra twenty?\"\nHe says, \"That's for blowing the sand off my balls.\"\n\n*********\n\nWhy don't sumo wrestlers shave their legs?\nSo they won't be mistaken for lesbians.\n\n*********\n\nhiya ...\nit's beautiful and I already jumped into Long Island Sound!\nall's right with the world.\n... well ...\n\nif you enjoy classic comedy stories ... please try this!\nme & Bill Maher, Eddie Murphy & The Jade Fountain in Paramus, New Jersey!\nThe Hal Ennis Comedy Caravan, 1979 http://www.jokeland.com/hal-ennis-comedy-caravan-1979/\n\nhuge thanks to John Fugelsang & Penn Jillette & Jim Kerr & Mark Simone & Phoenix's Wild Jokers for helping me get the word out about my shtuff. love you all much ...\nplease spread the word about The JokeLand E-Mail List http://www.jokeland.com/ ...\n... and enjoy.\nJackie\n\n*********\n\nWhat'd the duck say to the prostitute?\n\"Put it on my bill.\"\n\n*********\n\nstarting 8pm, Monday, July 13th!\nand all Mondays thereafter forever!\n\"The Jackie Martling Show\"\nBroadway Comedy Club\n318 West 53rd St. (8th & 9th)\nNew York New York\n(212) 757-2323\n\n*********\n\nTwo drunks are on the subway.\nThe first drunk says, \"Wh-what time is it?\"\nThe second drunk pulls out his cigarette lighter, looks at it, and says, \"I-it's April 9th.\"\nThe first drunk says, \"W-we should've got off at the last stop.\"\n\n*********\nplease follow me on Twitter!\nget a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ...\n@JackieMartling\n\n*********\n\nMrs. Hartke comes home after visiting her relatives for two weeks and finds that her husband, who was too lazy to go to the supermarket, has eaten all the dog food in the house.\nShe calls the doctor and says, \"Doc, you have to do something. My husband ate a half a case of dog food.\"\nThe doctor says, \"Relax, Mrs. Hartke, it can't hurt him. There's nothing to worry about.\"\nThe next day, the doctor answers his phone, and it's Mrs. Hartke.\nShe says, \"Nothing to worry about, huh, doc? Well, I hope you're satisfied. My husband's dead.\"\nThe doctor says, \"Dead? From eating dog food? I can't understand it. What happened?\"\nShe says, \"He was lying in the driveway licking his balls and I backed the car over him.\"\n\n*******\n\n8pm this Saturday, May 9th\nThe RRazz Room New Hope https://www.vendini.com/ticket-software.html?e=4a310ee98514ce3f8e4c07be5fd4d4cc&t=tix \nin The Ramada New Hope\n6426 Lower York Road\nNew Hope, Pennsylvania\ntickets (888) 596-1027\nwww.therrazzroom.com https://www.vendini.com/ticket-software.html?e=4a310ee98514ce3f8e4c07be5fd4d4cc&t=tix \n\n*******\n9pm Saturday, May 16th\nMiami Mike's @ Fairbridge Hotel http://www.unclevinniescomedyclub.com/miami-mikes-comedians.html \n130 Route 10\nEast Hanover, New Jersey\n1-877-Uncle-Vin ... 1-877-862-5384\nunclevinniescomedyclub.com http://www.unclevinniescomedyclub.com/miami-mikes-comedians.html \n\n*******\n\nA WalMart greeter's standing near the entrance with her clipboard when a really, really ugly woman comes in with two kids.\nThe greeter says, \"Are they twins, ma'am?\"\nShe says, \"Of course not, they're five years apart. Why in the world would you think they was twins?\"\nThe greeter says, \"I couldn't believe anybody fucked you twice.\"\n\n*******\n\nWhat do you do when a midget's missing?\nPut his face on a carton of Half & Half.\n\n*******\n\nit's The JokeLand E-Mail List! free yuks!\nplease tell everybody you know! free jokes!  free jokes! ...\nby just e-mailing me, jokeland@aol.com\n\n********\n\nWhat's a gay guy's favorite time of day?\nAte a cock. \n\n********\n\nWhy'd the Siamese Twins move to England?\nSo the other guy'd get a chance to drive.\n\n********\n\nFriedman calls the doctor and says, \"Doc, you gotta help me. A mouse ran up inside my wife.\"\nThe doctor says, \"I'll be right there. In the meantime, wave a piece of cheese between her legs.\"\nThe doctor races over, and when he comes in the door, Friedman's waving a herring between his wife's legs.\nThe doctor says, \"What're you doing? I said to use a piece of cheese.\"\nFriedman says, \"I know you did. But we have to get the cat out first.\"\n\n********\n\nWhy'd the guy marry a Siamese twin?\nSo he could hang his wife and a girl on the side.\n\n********\n\nA pickle walks into a bar.\nThe bartender says, \"What're you doing in here?\"\nThe pickle says, \"Well, for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk.\" \n\n********\n\nWhy's \"bra\" singular and \"panties\" plural?\nFor the same reason that when you take a shit you actually leave one.\n\n********\n\nThe World's Best Gifts! http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:5174,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&ie=UTF8&qid=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20 \nthey keep on giving!\nall six of Jackie's Oglio http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:5174,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&ie=UTF8&qid=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20  joke CD's ...\nThe Joke Man, Sgt. Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts,\nCome Again?, F. jackie & snart ...\nare available on Amazon, iTunes,\nand at Oglio.com http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:5174,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&ie=UTF8&qid=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20 \n\n*********\n\nA dentist walks in with a needle to give Kasten a shot of Novocain.\nKasten says, \"No way! No needles! I hate needles!\"\nThe dentist starts hooking up the nitrous oxide and Kasten says, \"No! No! I can't do the gas thing, either!\"\nThe dentist says, \"Can you take a pill?\"\nKasten says, \"Fine.\"\nThe dentist reaches into a drawer, takes out a pill and says, \"Here's a Viagra.\"\nKasten says, \"Wow. I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer.\"\nThe dentist says, \"It doesn't. But it'll going to give you something to hold on to while I'm yanking out your tooth.\"\n\n*********\n\nWhy don't Arabs circumcise their camels?\nSo they'll have a place to put their gum during a sandstorm.\n\n*********\n\nplease follow me on Twitter!\nget a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ...\n@JackieMartling\n\n*********\n\nHow can a husband get his wife to stick her fingers in his asshole more often?\nBy pretending he doesn't enjoy it.\n\n*********\n\nA big fat Polish lady pushes her car into a gas station.\nThe mechanic says, \"What's the matter?\nShe says, \"It conked out.\"\nIn a few minutes, it's purring like a kitten.\nShe says, \"What's the story?\"\nHe says, \"Crap in the carburetor.\"\nShe says, \"How often do I have to do that?\"\n\n********\n\nWhat'd the blonde say when she saw a guy walking two dogs?\n\"He must be really blind.\"\n\n********\n\nA frog goes into a bank and sits down in a chair next a desk that has a placard on it that says \"Seymour Paddywhack, Bank Officer.\"\nHe says, \"I need to borrow some money.\"\nMr. Paddywhack says, \"To do that, you'll need some collateral. What have you got?\"\nThe frog reaches into his bag, takes out a small plaster statue of Elvis and puts it on the desk.\nMr. Paddywhack says, \"Is that all you have?\"\nThe frog says, \"Yeah.\"\nMr. Paddywhack says, \"Well, that won't do.\"\nThe frog says, \"I want to see the president.\"\nMr. Paddywhack leads the frog into the bank president's office, puts the little Elvis on his desk and says, \"This frog wants to borrow some money, the only collateral he has is this statue and I don't even know what it is.\"\nThe bank president says, \"It's a knick-knack, Paddywhack, give the frog a loan.\"\n\n********\n\nThe World's Best Gifts! http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:5174,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&ie=UTF8&qid=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20 \nthey keep on giving!\nall six of Jackie's Oglio http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:5174,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&ie=UTF8&qid=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20  joke CD's ...\nThe Joke Man, Sgt. Pecker, Hot Dogs & Donuts,\nCome Again?, F. jackie & snart ...\nare available on Amazon, iTunes,\nand at Oglio.com http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=sr_nr_n_0?fst=as:off&rh=n:5174,k:jackie%20martling&keywords=jackie%20martling&ie=UTF8&qid=1424197160&rnid=2941120011&tag=viglink128354-20 \n\n*********\n\nA British guy comes home from work early and there's his wife on the living room floor with two guys. She's blowing one guy and the other guy is fucking her.\nHe says, \"`Ello, `ello!\"\nShe says, \"So you're not speakin' to me, then?\"\n\n*********\n\nWhere would you find a turtle with no legs?\nRight where you left him.\n\n*********\n\nWhat's fifteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?\nDonald Trump's tie. \n\n*********\n\nI call in regularly to the great podcast \"Keith & The Girl http://www.keithandthegirl.com/ \" ...\n... give them a listen!\n\n... and huge thanks to Phil Iazetta &\niHeart Radio Comedy 24/7 http://www.iheart.com/live/247-comedy-4902/  ...\nclick to listen! http://www.iheart.com/live/247-comedy-4902/ \nhe plays me a-plenty ...\n\n*********\n\nThe Mother Superior's riding with a few nuns and they're all giggling.\nShe says, \"Calm down, girls, or I'll put the seats back on those bikes.\" \n\n*********\n\nplease follow me on Twitter!\nget a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ...\n@JackieMartling\n\n********\n\nWhy'd the shit cross the road?\nThe chicken forgot to wipe his ass. \n\n********\n\nto hear endless jokes from all of my CDs,\nget the Pandora or the Spotify app and type in \"Jackie Martling\" ...\n\n********\n\nWhat do you say to a blonde with a plaid dildo?\n\"Give me back my thermos.\"  \n\n*********\n\nthe $2.95 Guy http://www.295guys.com/ s are the official supplier of all JokeLand tees http://www.295guys.com/ \n\n*********\n\nfor great dirty jokes 24/7, Use Your Finger! (516) 922-WINE\nfree jokes for The Universe since 1979 ...\nsimply dial (516) 922-9463 ...\n... not a pay service, just a regular call ...\n36 years of free jokes!\n\n*******\n\nEvery night for twenty years, Irving Schwartz gets down on his knees and says, \"Lord, it's me, Irving Schwartz. I'm a good Jewish boy. One time, couldn't you let me win the lottery? One time? I'm good to my parents, I'm good to my children, I go to temple. Please, Lord, please, one time, let me win the lottery.\"\nHe's on his knees every night for twenty years.\n\"Lord, it's me, Irving Schwartz. Would you please let me, sometime, win the lottery?\"\nFinally one night after twenty years, the heavens open up, and God says, \"Irv, if you want to win the lottery, you've got to buy a fucking ticket.\"\n\n********\n\nthis is  The JokeLand E-Mail List.\nif you're not supposed to be on this train, please disembark & get off now.\n... and please tell anybody who wants to get on to e-mail me,  jokeland@aol.com ...\n\n********\n\nWhat's hairy and bites necks?\nCunt Dracula. \n\n**********\n\nAn old guy with Parkinson's goes into an ice-cream parlor and says, \"I-I'd like an ice cream, p-please ...\"\nThe girl behind the counter says, \"What flavor would you like?\"\nThe guy says, \"I-it don't matter, I-I'm gonna drop it anyway.\"\n\n*********\n\nSchneider walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes.\nThe salesman says, \"But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11.\"\nSchneider says, \"Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe.\"\nThe salesman brings them, Schneider stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, stands up and winces.\nWhen he sees how confused the salesman is, he says, \"Listen, I lost my business and my house, I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is fucking my best friend, my daughter is pregnant and my son deals crystal meth. The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes.\"\n\n*********\n\nA midget's marooned on a desert island for fourteen years and finally one day he's rescued. When they get him to shore, they ask him what he'd like.\nHe says, \"You know damn well what I'd like.\"\nThey take him to a brothel, he goes upstairs with a girl, they go in a room and they both get undressed. Then he puts on a condom, puts some cotton in each ear and puts a clothespin on his nose.\nThe girl says, \"What the hell are you doing?\"\nThe midget says, \"If there's two things in this world that I hate, it's the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber.\"\n\n*********\n\nFugelsang says to the doctor, \"I'm thinking about having a vasectomy.\"\nThe doctor says, \"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?\"\nFugelsang says, \"Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three.\"\n\n*********\n\nTwo Spanish guys show up at The Gates of Heaven and the first one says, \"We want in.\"\nSt. Peter says, \"Let me go ask God.\"\nHe walks over to God and says, \"God, there are two Spanish guys at The Gates who want in.\"\nGod says, \"If they are good people, let them in.\"\nSt. Peter goes back to The Gates, and then comes back to God and says, \"They're gone.\"\nGod says, \"The Spanish guys?\"\nSt. Peter says, \"No. The Gates.\"\n\n*******\n\nA waiter brings a lady her clam chowder and she sees his thumb is hooked over the cup.\nShe says, \"Waiter, you've got your thumb in my soup.\"\nHe says, \"Yeah. I got the arthritis, and the warm makes it feel much better.\"\nShe says, \"Well, why don't you just stick your thumb up your ass?\"\nHe says, \"That's what I do in the kitchen.\"\n\n********\n\nTwo little old ladies are sitting at the slot machines in Atlantic City.\nThe first one says, \"D-did you come on the bus?\"\nThe second one says, \"Yeah, b-but I made it look like an asthma attack.\"\n\n********\n\nMy ex-girlfriend ... what an asshole ...\n... and her tits weren't bad, either.\n\n********\n\nCristiano says, \"Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.\"\nThe doctor says, \"Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.\"\nThe next day, Cristiano shows up with his wife.\nThe doctor says to the wife, \"Take off your clothes and lie on the table.\"\nShe does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.\nHe pulls Cristiano to the side and says, \"You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either.\"\n\n********\n\nDid you hear about those new super-sensitive condoms?\nAfter you fuck her, they stay and talk to her. \n\n********\n\nWhat would you call a Chinese hooker with a huge vagina?\nGae Ping.\n\n********\nfor the kids:\n\nWhat would you call an elephant who never washes?\nA smellyphant.\n\nWhy don't lobsters share?\nBecause they're shellfish.\n\nWhere do cows learn how to sing?\nIn moooosic class.\n\nKnock, knock...\nWho's there?\nCook ...\nCook who?\nCuckoo? What are you, a clock?\n\nWhy didn't the skeleton cross the road?\nHe didn't have any guts.\n\nWhy'd Melvin cut a hole in his brand new umbrella?\nSo he could see when it stopped raining.\n\nHarry's mother says, \"Why are you crying, Harry?\"\nHe says, \"Because my new sneakers hurt.\"\nShe looks down and says, \"That's because you put them on the wrong feet.\"\nHarry says,  \"But these are the only feet I have.\"\n\nWhat should you do if your clothes are on fire?\nDon't put them on.\n\nEND of KIDS' SECTION !\n\n*********\n\nThere was a Chinee in China,\nWe thought was a very good climber ...\nHe slipped on a rock,\nFell and knocked off his cock,\nNow that Chinaman's got a vagina.\n\n********\n\nDid you hear about the woman who died from eating too much peanut butter?\nShe stuck to the roof of her coffin.\n\n*******\n\nA midget goes into a bar, and he's too short to see over, so he starts jumping up and down saying, \"A whiskey, please,\"  \"A whiskey, please.\"\nNobody's taking care of him, so he keeps jumping up and down saying, \"A whiskey, please,\"  \"A whiskey, please.\"\nFinally he gets up on a chair, looks over and sees a midget bartender jumping up and down saying, \"With ice?\" \"With ice?\"\n\n*******\nHow many vaginas does it take to change a light bulb?\nJust one, but is has to be very sticky.\n\n******\n\nclassic Rodney Dangerfield:\n\"Last night my wife met me at the door in sexy lingerie ...\n... trouble is, she was coming home. ...\"\n\n*******\n\nWhat's the difference between a white cow and a black cow?\nA white cow goes, \"Moo,\" and a black cow goes, \"Moo out d' way.\"\n\n*******\n\nSchmidlap's been away on business and decides it'd be nice to bring his wife a gift.\nHe goes into a store and the girl says, \"How about some perfume? This bottle is one hundred and fifty dollars.\"\nHe says, \"That's too much.\"\nShe says, \"This one's sixty dollars.\"\nHe says, \"Still too much. I'd like to see something really cheap.\" \nSo she hands him a mirror.\n\n*******\n\nWhat's a cowboy call a cowgirl prostitute who won't go all the way?\nA hired hand\n\n*******\n\nLeeds is parking with a girl in the rain. It's very hot and stuffy and the windows are getting all steamed up, so he cracks open the passenger's side window.\nHe moves over and starts fiddling with her, and she says, \"I'm getting wet,\" so he keeps fiddling, and she says, \"I'm getting wet,\" and he keeps fiddling.\nFinally she says, \"Will you close the fucking window? I'm getting wet.\"\n\n*******\n\nthanks for enjoying the jokes ...\n... if you didn't enjoy them,\nI hope you find a used condom at the bottom of your mayonnaise jar ...\n\n*******\nplease follow me on Twitter !\nget a new (?) joke every day at 4:20 pm EST ...\n@JackieMartling\n\n*******\n\nwww.jokeland.com mad://09C14C68-1DE7-47A0-9CA3-58E826C3758C/www.jokeland.com \n\nfor information on Jackie's shows,\nyou can always just \"Use Your Finger!\"\nthirty-six years of free jokes !\nand dial (516) 922-WINE ... (516) 922-9463\nnot a pay service, just a local call ...\n\n*******"}]