<Tall Israeli> I think just about anyone who meets me and
talks to me for long enough comes to terms with the fact that
I am a very sick, twisted person. Also factor in a few
mountain dews, a Peer-to-Peer connection, and boredom and you
get what might be the funniest combination imaginable.
I had been downloading music yesterday evening. Led Zeppelin,
REO Speedwagon, Flock of Seagulls, things like that. Then I
realized that it'd be a funny joke to play on people if I were
to change "Keep on Rolling" to "Hot Lesbian Sex". I watched as
within minutes this file got 50 downloads. I was astounded.
Then the Tom got an idea.
An awful idea.
The Tom got a wonderful awful idea.
What if, perhaps, I was to change some of these names to sick
pornography titles? I wonder if I'd get any bites?
And this is where the fun begins.
The first title I put up was "Naked boys dancing and eating
cake." I sat in anticipation, waiting for my first download.
Success, the first download came. Then the second. Then the
third. This baby was steamrolling down the information super
highway like a trucker with a hardon that has 2 miles left to
the next truck stop. Before I knew it, I was getting twenty
downloads. Then thirty. Then fifty. Can you imagine that in
the end, rather than getting dancing boys naked and indulging
themselves with sweets and frolicking in a dewy meadow,
one-hundred thirty two people got a disappointing video of Led
Zeppelin performing "Dazed and Confused" in front of a live
audience? At this point, I had no choice but to continue.
The second title I put up was "My Ex-Girlfriend mowing the
lawn naked." I thought that this was too far out to get any
downloads. Alas, I was wrong. It got a download. Then two.
Then thirty. In the end, seventy-eight sweaty, drooling fudges
wanted to see my ex girlfriend mow the lawn stark naked. She's
not even that hot. Rather then get their lawn-mowing beauty,
they got the song "Ozone baby."
For the third title, I decided to transform "White Wedding"
into the more intriguing "Elephant cock horse." I wish I could
say I was kidding when this thing was downloaded one hundred
eighty seven times. I guess there is something about horses
and elephants showing their cocks that bring out the best in
people. I nearly died of laughter at this point. "How can
nearly two hundred people want to see naked animals? They're
ALWAYS naked!" For sanctity's sake, we're going to leave this
as a mystery. I hope I turned some people on to Billy Idol,
hopefully distracting them long enough to forget that
masturbating to horse and elephant genitalia are not really
something their mothers would be proud of.
I couldn't stop myself from doing another. "Grandma Bingo
Sex." Short and sweet. I couldn't stop myself from
amusing.........myself..... "Grandma Bingo Sex." Surely not a
common scenario, and surely not a scenario that would arouse
many a twisted psyche. Apparently I know nothing about the
human psyche. One hundred twenty two. ONE HUNDRED TWENTY TWO
PEOPLE would like to see grandma getting bent over the bingo
table, game card in hand, getting donkey punched by a 90 year
old addle brained porn star. I rubbed my eyes just to double
check. My eyes had to be lying to my brain. My penis had
shriveled to the size of a 2 day old Wendys chicken nugget.
They asked for Grandma.
They got Joan Jett.
At this point I had to start taking puffs of my albuteral
inhaler to keep from suffocating myself with laughter. "Girl
on girl toe insertion (LEGAL)" was my next proud creation.
Everyone likes 38 Special, so everyone won't feel like such
dumb-asses after downloading this footy piece of crap. Never
underestimate the inertia traveling behind a toe inserting
itself into a rectum, friends. It's like a fudging semi
hurling down Interstate 40 in the noonday sun. One hundred
twelve people wanted to jerk to this. God have mercy on us.
At this point, for some odd reason, the user name "Enraged
Baboon" popped into my head. "Enraged Baboon fudging a nipple
factory." No way in hell would this get many downloads. Who
could possibly type in any or all of those keywords? I guess
people like seeing sweaty red-ass baboons, nostrils flaring,
banging their chests like Marky Mark in the movie "Fear",
having sex WITH each other in a factory that produces
baby-bottle nipples. Imagine what those children would look
like. One hundred seventy two people typed those magic words
into Limewire, and got a hot steaming pile of monkey love.
Well, it was Pink Floyd, but a man can dream, cant he?
This could all seem very disturbing. My final experiment,
however, made me dizzy as my precious sack retreated into my
pelvis. ...THREE PEOPLE...three disgusting, drooling,
perverted, fudged up people, wielding a box of Puffs Plus and
a tube of Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion, bright eyed and
bushy tailed, wanted to see "An emu taking a vicious dump."
How does one take a VICIOUS dump and how does an EMU take one,
for that matter?
Ladies and gentlemen: this is why I have lost every last ounce
of faith in humanity.
If I may quote Method:
"You're going to make a lot of sick people very unhappy."
